I wasn’t prepared for this…I guess nobody is. Yesterday, for the second time in the past ten years, I literally knocked on restaurants and hotels doors handing in my resume. Freezing in the big city. Walking the streets trying to keep positive enough to smile and make a good impression for every resume I delivered.
“It is not your fault. Don’t take it personally, the economy is not that good right now”. I hear these encouraging words constantly. Despite the true that lays in them, how couldn’t anyone be (even just a little bit of it) affected by being unemployed for half a year? I went from university “Cum Laude” to nothing for the despicable labour market.
I live in a country that claims to be international and multicultural. I live in a country that won’t hire me despite my knowledge of three languages, two bachelors and a master in one of their universities. I don’t speak fluently their native language and I have very little social networks. I’m worthless for them. How couldn’t anyone not take it personally?
Do not self-pity. Do not be impatient. Do not give up. Do not have pessimistic thoughts. Do not lose hope.
Although I know that I have tons to offer to any company that would go give me any chance, this is a daily fight. A struggle not to lose the few energy I have left. I wake up everyday, look for jobs, apply, send letters of motivations (ironic that they are called “motivation”) and adapt my resume… and I don’t get anything. Not even an interview. All I get are e-mails letting me know that they got thousands of applications, it was a rough selection process and that I wasn’t selected. I don’t even see people’s faces or interact with human beings… it all goes through 0’s and 1’s over the Net. That’s all.
I didn’t study tourism or the hotel industry, but I still believe that I might have better chances in these fields than in my own. Obviously, I am not an engineer… otherwise, despite of my knowledge in their native language I would be already earning more than €1500 monthly. Ugh! I hate these social double standards.
Life goes on. I know these are not my last words and that things will improve. Seriously, they will. Deep down I believe it. It is just exhausting not to get any reward or see any change in all the effort I put daily into this. Finding a job it’s hard, learning this foreign language goes slow, finding a new house is also very demanding. Little by little I realized that I get more and more introvert about my own emotions. I try not to reply with long e-mails like I used to because I know most of my words will be very negative.
I’ve been angry all these months and I didn’t even know it. I could feel the anger, the hatred but I hadn’t recognized it as such. I knew this was difficult, but I just never visualized it as “I hate this situation or I’m mad at the world.” I tamed it and covered it with other feelings when they truly meant anger. I’m afraid that if I speak too much about this I will intensify the pain, the negativity in me, I will self-pity myself even more and I don’t want it. I’ve became very emotional for many things, more than I wished.
In my first months of unemployment I kept myself very busy, with my own routine, and collaborating in many different unpaid projects. With very little real life social interaction I’ve become more and more silent. I think about a lot of things, but I just don’t share them. I slowly retreated, but not to my personal shell, where I always did. There is no shell anymore, I’ve lost most of my intimacy in many aspects, I don’t even know where my shell is at this moment. It is just me and myself.
Me and myself.