After two weeks of cold and snow, today I jogged again. My toes got wet and I almost fall a couple of times due to the ice, but the feeling of getting home, taking off my shoes and enjoying the warmth on my feet was the best reward.
Not everything is about having a job. I’m thankful for all the things I can still do without giving any money away.
I wasn’t prepared for this…I guess nobody is. Yesterday, for the second time in the past ten years, I literally knocked on restaurants and hotels doors handing in my resume. Freezing in the big city. Walking the streets trying to keep positive enough to smile and make a good impression for every resume I delivered.
“It is not your fault. Don’t take it personally, the economy is not that good right now”. I hear these encouraging words constantly. Despite the true that lays in them, how couldn’t anyone be (even just a little bit of it) affected by being unemployed for half a year? I went from university “Cum Laude” to nothing for the despicable labour market.
I live in a country that claims to be international and multicultural. I live in a country that won’t hire me despite my knowledge of three languages, two bachelors and a master in one of their universities. I don’t speak fluently their native language and I have very little social networks. I’m worthless for them. How couldn’t anyone not take it personally?
Do not self-pity. Do not be impatient. Do not give up. Do not have pessimistic thoughts. Do not lose hope.
Although I know that I have tons to offer to any company that would go give me any chance, this is a daily fight. A struggle not to lose the few energy I have left. I wake up everyday, look for jobs, apply, send letters of motivations (ironic that they are called “motivation”) and adapt my resume… and I don’t get anything. Not even an interview. All I get are e-mails letting me know that they got thousands of applications, it was a rough selection process and that I wasn’t selected. I don’t even see people’s faces or interact with human beings… it all goes through 0’s and 1’s over the Net. That’s all.
I didn’t study tourism or the hotel industry, but I still believe that I might have better chances in these fields than in my own. Obviously, I am not an engineer… otherwise, despite of my knowledge in their native language I would be already earning more than €1500 monthly. Ugh! I hate these social double standards.
Life goes on. I know these are not my last words and that things will improve. Seriously, they will. Deep down I believe it. It is just exhausting not to get any reward or see any change in all the effort I put daily into this. Finding a job it’s hard, learning this foreign language goes slow, finding a new house is also very demanding. Little by little I realized that I get more and more introvert about my own emotions. I try not to reply with long e-mails like I used to because I know most of my words will be very negative.
I’ve been angry all these months and I didn’t even know it. I could feel the anger, the hatred but I hadn’t recognized it as such. I knew this was difficult, but I just never visualized it as “I hate this situation or I’m mad at the world.” I tamed it and covered it with other feelings when they truly meant anger. I’m afraid that if I speak too much about this I will intensify the pain, the negativity in me, I will self-pity myself even more and I don’t want it. I’ve became very emotional for many things, more than I wished.
In my first months of unemployment I kept myself very busy, with my own routine, and collaborating in many different unpaid projects. With very little real life social interaction I’ve become more and more silent. I think about a lot of things, but I just don’t share them. I slowly retreated, but not to my personal shell, where I always did. There is no shell anymore, I’ve lost most of my intimacy in many aspects, I don’t even know where my shell is at this moment. It is just me and myself.
Me and myself.
♥1It’s getting really cold and snowing all the time, but love remains.
These are some of my first creations as a knitter ! The leg warmers are a present, and I hope they will fit in my friend’s legs. She’s kind of thin so I’m almost certain that it will. The hat was supposed to be for me, but I took too many stitches away and it ended up being way too small. Still, I think is cute!
If the sun shines and I’m in the mood I always try to go on a ride with the bike. Coming from Spain I never really appreciated all the amount of hours of sun we have, but living in the Netherlands changes everything. There is not much sun here and when it is out it doesn’t really last that long, so I better enjoy it as much as possible!
Anyway… today I went to a small park 5 min away from where I’m living. There are two main roads that one can take at the beginning of the park. One is asphalted while the other is made out of sand and shells. Yeah, that’s right: shells. The first time I saw it I was surprised since I’ve never seen a path full of them before (being far from the coast, obviously).
I have never taken the shell path with the bike. I’m not very skill with it and I was always afraid that I would fall to the ground. Writing about this makes it sound even sillier because, what if I fall? I just stand up and go on… but I might have some childhood trauma that always keeps me away of “trouble.” Not today, though. Today I decided to take the shell road and try my chances.
To be honest, it was way better than I expected (like with most of our fears once we face them). Actually, after a while I decided to go back to the asphalt road and it wasn’t that much fun: I couldn’t hear the wheels crashing the shell and I was not that focused on the ride.
This has been my little and personal step of the day. =)
Wanted to paint something colorful with dots. Typed “dots” in google and searched until I found something that pleased me.
Took my brush and started to draw my own version of it.
This is the original one:
http://www.webdesignhot.com/free-vector-graphics/free-vector-colorful-dots-background/
Let’s be honest. Being unemployed and looking for a job sucks. I could use other words and adjectives to describe it, but it really sucks regardless my vocabulary. This is not how I pictured myself after 8 years of university studies (including my MA). There is a huge gap between the university and the market world. Otherwise I can’t understand how I ended up my MA with Cum Laude merit, two bachelors and speaking 3 different languages… and I still haven’t found anything after 2 & 1/2 months, not even an interview.
True, I’m another European trying my luck in countries where I haven’t been born, neither fully integrated (due to my high mobility in the last 3 years). Still… I really dislike waking up every morning, spending hours in looking for associations/companies, sending my CV and cover letters… just to sit and wait. Wait for someone to contact me, for someone who gives me the opportunity to show how “good worker” I can be. Meh.
I can see how a positive attitude is a strong feature in this job hunting situation. I can see how many people give up or feel completely frustrated and lost in piles of e-mails that might never been responded.
My controlling-self is totally angry with the world and the fact that I can’t hire myself (being entrepreneur ain’t a “realistic” option for me), while my optimistic-me is trying to accept things the way they come and let everything flow. I have no doubts that I will learn a valuable non-forgettable lesson from all this. I paint, knit, bake, clean and make personal presents, take French and Dutch lessons and a long etc of things I’m doing now that I have so much “free time.”
Still, no one ever shares how they left all this insecurity and negativity behind. We are not trained to face these passive periods in which there is nothing else to do but “doing your best and wait for it.”
Oh, well… this is how it it, and not embracing the situation as such will only make me suffer more (and those around me).
♥2For the first time of my life I can use a bread machine and I’m making some fresh bread! It’s been ages since the last time and I enjoy it a lot. Looking for recipes on-line, experimenting with food and trying to find some fresh flour. It feels so eco-friendly and as if I were more in touch with nature.
Moreover, It is actually easier and better than I expected. This one has 6 different kind of seeds combined with white and whole wheat flour. I’m proud of it =)
Went to a fair job for expats, a concept I didn’t even know existed a year ago and a label I can perfectly coin to myself now.
Anyway… I was surrounded by all different organization stands, giving you free stuff and info about how they work and what profile do they hire. Sadly, I realized that most of their offers referred to engineer, business or finances. Not my background AT ALL. Suddenly a negative and insecure feeling started growing inside me… all these questions, doubts about my future, my preparation, etc…
Overwhelmed, I decided to sit for a while and listen to someone who was playing his guitar on the main stage. He looked motivated while playing, enthusiastic about his work. I just sit on time to listen to his last song. And what would that be? “Always look on the bright side of life” from the movie “Life of Brian.” It changed my mood, it made me smile and whistle. So thankful for it. I am not my mind, I am not all that crosses my mind.
Around the month of March 2011 I begun to express myself drawing. There are all drawn with my fingers and an application I have on my iPod Touch. Hope you enjoy it!
yup! on @weheartit.com - http://whrt.it/Y5e0pU
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Concept art for Americana Dawn.
